June 6, 2013

******** On repeat- That’s How Much I Feel by Ambrosia

******** Famous last words-
“And then it changed. I began to see that this cross throws a shadow.” – James Carroll

******** Daily gripe-
Adaptability-A gift or a curse

Sometimes I wonder if my being so adaptable to so much that goes on in my life is a good or bad thing. I wonder if this is the reason I don’t have major goals toward my life and just focus on surviving each day. My adaptability (and my extreme tolerance at times), while helping me survive my childhood, may not be as good for my adult life. But it is hard to change who you when you have lived that way for so many decades.

******** Randomness-

The only things I can think to say to “Thing One” and “Thing Two”- the terms my children used to cope with any stress related to speaking of the “hateful people” and the situation we endured in late 2005-

Thanks for kicking me and your grandchildren out in the middle of the night 7 1/2 years ago. It was the best thing you could have done for us. Living under your roof was torturous and while it was stressful trying to find a new location to settle with no job, recent work experience or college degree, being a nomad from a very young age, I was prepared for many of the trials and tribulations I faced.

While the final short three month stint with you was a bad experience, it taught me two valuable lessons, 33 years in coming:

1) A couple like you- mentally ill person and an enabler- make for two horrible parents and examples and no matter what I do (“right” or “wrong”), you will always see someone in me who does not exist.

2) You changed only for the worse over the years.

40+ years later, I realize and can now say: you never deserved a decent person like me for a daughter.

While my children may occasionally wonder what happened to you afterwards (as they are compassionate, curious beings), they know you both for the “people” you really are.

I will never have your acceptance and understanding of who I really am, and therefore you have no place in my life except as the sperm, egg & incubator donors that helped create my physical form, yet left me to learn the true “right from wrong” on my own.

You made horrible parents and even worse grandparents. I tried my best for decades to please you, while trying to stay true to myself. Now, you are Karma’s problem to balance out.

******** R.I.F.

** Daily Math word problems **